Who am I supposed to be?

Hello. My name is Abigale. I'm 22 years old. I'm a full time senior in college. I'm a part-time barista at Starbucks. I have technically one dog.  

Fun fact about me: I'm having an identity crisis. 

I thought I knew who I was before I entered college... yeeeaahhhh college showed me that I actually have NO FREAKING clue who I am. I came from a town where being mixed was equated to being exotic. Half Black...Half Filipino. That was always my fun fact when it was the first day of class. 

Freshman and more so Sophomore year of college this identity crisis started. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know anything past the basics: my name, my height, my favorite color. But my morals...what I stood for...my blackness...

the very essence of who I was...

I didn't know.  

So who's fault was that? Was it mine because I didn't choose to learn more about my culture? Or was it my father and his side of the family for not taking the time to give me our history? Or was it my friends that didn't teach me what it meant to be black?

  It took for one person to tell me, 

"it doesn't matter what you say you are...you'll always look black."

Suddenly telling people that I'm mixed seemed so unnecessary. What does it mean to be black...what does it mean to be judged off of the color of my skin? I must admit I picked up Africana Studies as my minor because I thought maybe it could teach me how to be MORE black. 

I people watched...I took mental notes on what it was that separated the black community from the rest...I noted the fashion trends...their mannerisms...their slang.

I wanted to be accepted by my own people. 

But isn't the perfect time to be having an identity crisis? Aren't college the years your supposed to find yourself? These are the four years of trial and error...these are the years you take time to develop you...yourself and your brand. Do I feel closer to my black side...sure. Do I know everything about being black? Of course not...at this rate I think it's inevitable that I'll be rhythmically challenged. 

So here's another problem. If I'm so busy trying to learn my black side and what it means to be black am I suddenly masking the fact that I'm also Filipino? Am I putting to much focus on one part of me? 

But if when you first look at me and all you see is a black girl with semi-good hair...should I put just a much time into learning about being Filipino? 

I don't know who I am. I don't know who I'm supposed to be. 

Would I have known the answer to that question if I was raised differently? Would I know the answer if had some of the experiences that you all had? 

Not knowing yourself is a dangerous and vulnerable thing.

If you don't know what you stand for...what's stopping you from falling for everything?